How do we get people to listen to us when we feel unheard?
In Parshat Vaeira this week-- Moses almost gives up on his holy mission to lead us out of Egypt because he can’t answer this question. God tells him to go to Pharaoh but Moses responds, הֵ֤ן בְּנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ לֹא־שָֽׁמְע֣וּ אֵלַ֔י “The Israelites wouldn’t listen to me,” וְאֵיךְ֙ יִשְׁמָעֵ֣נִי פַרְעֹ֔ה, “how then should Pharaoh listen to me!?” וַֽאֲנִ֖י עֲרַ֥ל שְׂפָתָֽיִם “I am a man of closed lips!” (Shemot 6:10-13).
We see in these few words that Moshe feels not only that he can’t get others to hear him, but that he defines himself solely by this struggle: “I am a man of closed lips”.
The text continues: וַיְדַבֵּ֣ר ה֘’ אֶל־משֶׁ֣ה וְאֶל־אַֽהֲרֹן֒, “God spoke to Moses and Aaron” but there are no specific words quoted of what God said.
Rashi, quoting the Midrash, teaches that this phrase indicates that God actually gave Moshe and Aharon advice about how to communicate. Namely-- in between our lines-- God told Moses and Aaron to speak to the Israelites בנחת ולסבול אותם, gently and to be patient with them and to Pharaoh with כבוד, respect. And so, from here we learn that the way to be heard is to speak gently, with patience and respect.
Whether we are like Moses-- leading others, petitioning authority for justice-- or feeling unheard in our relationships, workplace, or even prayer life, each of us can apply God’s wisdom. None of us is a stranger to conflict or heated conversation-- to feeling unheard or silenced. Perhaps, we may have even been the cause of such feelings in others.
Mishlei tells us: כַּמַּיִם הַפָּנִ֣ים לַפָּנִ֑ים כֵּ֤ן לֵֽב־הָ֜אָדָ֗ם לָאָדָֽם, “As in water, face answers to face, so is the heart of a person to a person” (27:19). What we give to others is what we receive. If we communicate gently, with patience and respect, we will receive just that. This is God’s advice to Moses and Aaron-- and to us. It applies when we are speaking or listening-- and even if our audience doesn’t end up heeding our words (like Pharaoh).
This Shabbat, and always, may God help us connect with each other and with Him-- not with ‘closed lips’-- but with open ears, open mouths, and open hearts.
--Rabbanit Alissa
